My son will be two tomorrow.

We had problems getting pregnant with him. We tried for quite a long time to get pregnant the second time unbenownst to many. We didn't share that we were trying with alot of people, especially our families,because so many people feel they have the right to an opinion about a private thing between husband, wife, and God. It took medical intervention to get pregnant with him in the end.
I had some bleeding when I was very early in my pregnancy with him and it scared the very breath out of me. I wanted him so very very very much. My doctor put me on certain restrictions until I was well out of my first trimester to be on the safe side.
When he was born the doctors had some trouble getting him out during my C section because of his size and I'm sure I didn't breathe until I heard his cry in the operating room.
He has scared me nearly witless a number of times, and I'm sure there are many more moments of rational and irrational fear to come. Especially with him being a boy.
The thing is I am terrified of losing him. More than I ever was with big sister. I don't know if its related to him being so hard to get pregnant with, or because he's my youngest, or what it is...but I'm terrified nearly every day that I will be found unworthy of having him and he will be taken back.
As I said I don't know if he is my last baby or not. I pray that we will be blessed with a better situation and another child (or children) in our future. I'm not going to be afraid of what other people will think about that anymore and keep it buried inside. I love my children, I love being their mother and I hope that God will see fit to entrust us with the care and keeping of more of his miracles.
But for now I am THRILLED that God put little P into my life. Every single day I am blessed by him. His sweet smile, his twinkly eyes, his fuzzy blonde hair, his darling little voice, his white teeth still showing gaps to be filled, his incredibly soft pudgy little hands. His funny little expressions, his sense of humor, his delight in "Melmo" and "big rucks" and "all aboard!!"s. He is a joy to me and I am honored to be his mama.
He always cries "mama need you!" when he wakes up or is upset about something....well little guy, I need you too, and I love you beyond words and reasoning.
Happy Birthday sweet boy.