My son will be two tomorrow.

We had problems getting pregnant with him. We tried for quite a long time to get pregnant the second time unbenownst to many. We didn't share that we were trying with alot of people, especially our families,because so many people feel they have the right to an opinion about a private thing between husband, wife, and God. It took medical intervention to get pregnant with him in the end.
I had some bleeding when I was very early in my pregnancy with him and it scared the very breath out of me. I wanted him so very very very much. My doctor put me on certain restrictions until I was well out of my first trimester to be on the safe side.
When he was born the doctors had some trouble getting him out during my C section because of his size and I'm sure I didn't breathe until I heard his cry in the operating room.
He has scared me nearly witless a number of times, and I'm sure there are many more moments of rational and irrational fear to come. Especially with him being a boy.
The thing is I am terrified of losing him. More than I ever was with big sister. I don't know if its related to him being so hard to get pregnant with, or because he's my youngest, or what it is...but I'm terrified nearly every day that I will be found unworthy of having him and he will be taken back.
As I said I don't know if he is my last baby or not. I pray that we will be blessed with a better situation and another child (or children) in our future. I'm not going to be afraid of what other people will think about that anymore and keep it buried inside. I love my children, I love being their mother and I hope that God will see fit to entrust us with the care and keeping of more of his miracles.
But for now I am THRILLED that God put little P into my life. Every single day I am blessed by him. His sweet smile, his twinkly eyes, his fuzzy blonde hair, his darling little voice, his white teeth still showing gaps to be filled, his incredibly soft pudgy little hands. His funny little expressions, his sense of humor, his delight in "Melmo" and "big rucks" and "all aboard!!"s. He is a joy to me and I am honored to be his mama.
He always cries "mama need you!" when he wakes up or is upset about something....well little guy, I need you too, and I love you beyond words and reasoning.
Happy Birthday sweet boy.

Kindergarten looms

My daughter will be 5 on September 1st. Yes I know that seems far away, but it's a mere 8 months away...and I have to, need to figure out what I'm doing with her for kindergarten.
Since she was born I have been set on homeschooling our kids. The past year and  a half we have been doing some "preschool" type schooling at home and it has been great. However, now that "official" schoolage is upon us I'm a bit nervous as to the homeschool "decision".
Do I have the ability to homeschool? Can I be organized enough? Can we work together well enough on a consistent basis? Would I be better focused with an actual curriculum? Would it be better to piece together my own curriculum tailored to her specific  needs? Do I let her focus on the subjects and activities that interest her most or do I more focus on the areas she is weaker in? And what about little brother? What do I do with him while we do school? Will he be neglected? How much longer will he take these 2-3 hour marathon naps in which we get most schoolwork done, but which is also the only time before bedtime for any real "housework". And the biggest and most important reason, am I choosing homeschool for me or because it's best for her? Lately I've come to think that maybe homeschooling ISN'T the best option for my little cupcake. Would ballet lessons, MOPS class (her last year of eligibility though), and MOPS Bible Study nursery be enough of a social outlet for my butterfly?
The thing is I know she would LOVE school. LOVE it. However is it BEST for her education? Is it BEST for her spiritual well being?
So in thinking all of these things I decided to research some school options. Public is out. Not in this district these days.  My two top choices run $10,000 and $4,000 (for 3 day) respectively. Both have financial aid options but not sure we can swing either short of a full or 75% scholarship. Ok, more than not sure, we absoloutely cannot afford that at this time.
Charter schools are next on my list to research.
This is a hard decision and she is only going to be in kindergarden!!
Did I mention both my parents are teachers? You would think that would be helpful but honestly it only complicates matters as I may have TOO much info about public school systems!!
(They are supportive of my homeschool ida btw)
Now I suppose I have to just hash through all of it and pray for guidance for what is the very best scenario for our daughter. And hey, if I can't come up with a solution in 8 months at least Kindy isn't a requirement in our state ;-)

Perhaps the problem with my blog is that my brain is too scattered. I have a hard time staying on one topic for the duration of a post. I also have a hard time choosing what to blather about.
I have friends with blogs that are eloquent and pretty and stay on task.
My blog seems a bit more like me. It's here, then its there, then its back here, oh wait there it goes.

I don't have a clothing style. I like long hippie skirts, jean trousers, ripped flares, fitted sweaters, hoodies, dresses,boots, heels,tennis shoes. I'm as likely to show up to a lunch date in jeans and a hoodie one week, and dress pants and a cashmere sweater the next (don't be deceived I got it on clearance with a gift card for a hell of a deal, see there I go again).
I don't have a decorating style. I like modern things, I like crafty kitschy things, I like retro, I like classic dutch, I like jewel tones and ethnic bling. I don't have a naming style for kids, I like names that span from Tenley to Esther to Clementine. I listen to contemporary christian, pop, classic rock, country, show tunes,old school r&b and rap. My tattoos run the gamut in style...but they are all me. 
So, while there is no point, does there really need to be?
With me and my blog, what you see isn't necessarily what you get.

Christmas, Christmas time is here.....???

"It wouldn't be Christmas without xyz"
How often have you heard this or a similar exclamation from friends,family,and complete strangers?
Your answer should be "Well,yes, yes it would be."

Whether you have a real tree, a fake tree,  or no tree....the angel STILL appeared to Mary all those years ago and told her a baby would be  born of her virgin's womb

"And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favour with God. And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name Jesus" Luke 1:30-31

Whether you bake Christmas cookies or put up lights, it doesn't change the fact that Jesus came to be our bread and our light...

I think it's sort of funny that we think we are stressed at Christmas time.
What about Mary, the mother of Jesus? Don't you think she was stressed despite being blessed? She was a pregnant, unwed teenager, in a day and time when that was an unheard of, stoning offense.
She had to travel,at full term, to a far away city, on the back of a donkey.
She was then turned away from every inn because there was no room for them.
She gave birth in a dirty stable, which experts believe was little more than a cave or rock shelter.
She then had to flee to Egypt, again  probably on foot, or donkey, with a small baby.
But we're stressed because the mall parking lot is full? Or the hot toy of the year is sold out?
And yet, look how she responds in spite of those stressors...

38 Then Mary said, "Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word."

• Luke 1:46-56: The Magnificat: Mary's Song of Joy and Praise of Yahweh

46 And Mary said,
47 "My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
48 for he has looked with favor on the lowliness (tapeinosen) of his servant. Surely from now on all generations will call me blessed;
49 for the Mighty One has done great things for me and holy is his name.
50 His mercy is for those who fear him from generation to generation.
51 He has shown strength with his arm; he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts.
52 He has brought down the powerful from their thrones, and lifted up the lowly (tapeinous);
53 he has filled the hungry with good things, and sent the rich away empty.
54 He has helped his servant Israel, in remembrance of his mercy,
55 according to the promise he made to our ancestors, to Abraham and to his descendants forever."
56 And Mary remained with her about three months and then returned to her home.

REALLY people?

This woman gave birth to a son whom she knew would die to save others. She gave birth, knowing she would watch him die.
What a sacrafice, what emotions must have flooded her as she wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in that manger.
Mary chose to focus on her blessings, not her stressors.



I'm sorry if I'm being scattered, or redundant, but I just think it is so so so silly to get stressed over Christmas.

Family Heirlooms

These are the little felt figures that my Grandma Mary made many many many years ago. My dad estimates them to be over 50 years old. They are my favorite Christmas decoration and have been M.I.A the past few years. When we found them this year I was soo excited, I was jumping up and down and yelling "Woo hoo!!"

They are so darling, and so special and they say Christmas to me!

Angel

Three wisemen

Snowman

Santa

Choir girl

What is your favorite, or most special Christmas decoration?

God blessed the broken road, that led me straight to you...

Today is my five year wedding anniversary.
The weather here in Michigan today mimics the day I got married back in 2005. Cold, gray, blustery, and with a bit of spotty snow clinging in patches and blowing around.

My hair was perfect. My makeup was perfect. My dress, nails, jewelery, and shoes, all perfect.
My marriage, well, not so perfect.

We have had some bumps in our road. Everyone has bumps, so perhaps it should be said that we've had some mountains to overcome in our journey. It's been a rough and rocky five years.
But, there isn't anyone else I would want to be married to.
When I cry there is no one else I want to wipe my tears. When I'm scared there is no one else I want to hold my hand. When I'm happy there is no one else I want to share that joy with other than MY husband.
He's not perfect and honestly some days I can't stand to be around him, but he's my husband. He's not my best friend. I hear people say that about their husband's and that's all well and good for them, but I don't want a best friend in him. I want just what I have.
He adores me, I adore him.

Alot of other people don't understand us, and that's ok, they don't have to. Alot of people want to judge us, and that's ok too, they are entitled to their uninformed, outside opinions.
God destined me to marry Nick, and though I haven't loved every minute of our five years of marriage, I do love him, and I love being married to him.
Today I look back on the 5 years we've had. The fun, the love, the tears, and I"m thankful for every single day. Anything worth doing isn't going to be easy, and we both work to make our relationship the best that it can be for us.

So today, I just want to say I love you to my darling husband Nicolas, I'm looking forward to a lifetime of love, laughter, and beautiful babies with you!

If I could click up a new wardrobe...

What I would wear to our MOPS party/ornament exchange.

What I would wear out with Hubby on our 5th anniversary.

What I would wear Christmas tree hunting...


(from modcloth.com, etsy.com, and zappos.com)