My son will be two tomorrow.

We had problems getting pregnant with him. We tried for quite a long time to get pregnant the second time unbenownst to many. We didn't share that we were trying with alot of people, especially our families,because so many people feel they have the right to an opinion about a private thing between husband, wife, and God. It took medical intervention to get pregnant with him in the end.
I had some bleeding when I was very early in my pregnancy with him and it scared the very breath out of me. I wanted him so very very very much. My doctor put me on certain restrictions until I was well out of my first trimester to be on the safe side.
When he was born the doctors had some trouble getting him out during my C section because of his size and I'm sure I didn't breathe until I heard his cry in the operating room.
He has scared me nearly witless a number of times, and I'm sure there are many more moments of rational and irrational fear to come. Especially with him being a boy.
The thing is I am terrified of losing him. More than I ever was with big sister. I don't know if its related to him being so hard to get pregnant with, or because he's my youngest, or what it is...but I'm terrified nearly every day that I will be found unworthy of having him and he will be taken back.
As I said I don't know if he is my last baby or not. I pray that we will be blessed with a better situation and another child (or children) in our future. I'm not going to be afraid of what other people will think about that anymore and keep it buried inside. I love my children, I love being their mother and I hope that God will see fit to entrust us with the care and keeping of more of his miracles.
But for now I am THRILLED that God put little P into my life. Every single day I am blessed by him. His sweet smile, his twinkly eyes, his fuzzy blonde hair, his darling little voice, his white teeth still showing gaps to be filled, his incredibly soft pudgy little hands. His funny little expressions, his sense of humor, his delight in "Melmo" and "big rucks" and "all aboard!!"s. He is a joy to me and I am honored to be his mama.
He always cries "mama need you!" when he wakes up or is upset about something....well little guy, I need you too, and I love you beyond words and reasoning.
Happy Birthday sweet boy.

Kindergarten looms

My daughter will be 5 on September 1st. Yes I know that seems far away, but it's a mere 8 months away...and I have to, need to figure out what I'm doing with her for kindergarten.
Since she was born I have been set on homeschooling our kids. The past year and  a half we have been doing some "preschool" type schooling at home and it has been great. However, now that "official" schoolage is upon us I'm a bit nervous as to the homeschool "decision".
Do I have the ability to homeschool? Can I be organized enough? Can we work together well enough on a consistent basis? Would I be better focused with an actual curriculum? Would it be better to piece together my own curriculum tailored to her specific  needs? Do I let her focus on the subjects and activities that interest her most or do I more focus on the areas she is weaker in? And what about little brother? What do I do with him while we do school? Will he be neglected? How much longer will he take these 2-3 hour marathon naps in which we get most schoolwork done, but which is also the only time before bedtime for any real "housework". And the biggest and most important reason, am I choosing homeschool for me or because it's best for her? Lately I've come to think that maybe homeschooling ISN'T the best option for my little cupcake. Would ballet lessons, MOPS class (her last year of eligibility though), and MOPS Bible Study nursery be enough of a social outlet for my butterfly?
The thing is I know she would LOVE school. LOVE it. However is it BEST for her education? Is it BEST for her spiritual well being?
So in thinking all of these things I decided to research some school options. Public is out. Not in this district these days.  My two top choices run $10,000 and $4,000 (for 3 day) respectively. Both have financial aid options but not sure we can swing either short of a full or 75% scholarship. Ok, more than not sure, we absoloutely cannot afford that at this time.
Charter schools are next on my list to research.
This is a hard decision and she is only going to be in kindergarden!!
Did I mention both my parents are teachers? You would think that would be helpful but honestly it only complicates matters as I may have TOO much info about public school systems!!
(They are supportive of my homeschool ida btw)
Now I suppose I have to just hash through all of it and pray for guidance for what is the very best scenario for our daughter. And hey, if I can't come up with a solution in 8 months at least Kindy isn't a requirement in our state ;-)

Perhaps the problem with my blog is that my brain is too scattered. I have a hard time staying on one topic for the duration of a post. I also have a hard time choosing what to blather about.
I have friends with blogs that are eloquent and pretty and stay on task.
My blog seems a bit more like me. It's here, then its there, then its back here, oh wait there it goes.

I don't have a clothing style. I like long hippie skirts, jean trousers, ripped flares, fitted sweaters, hoodies, dresses,boots, heels,tennis shoes. I'm as likely to show up to a lunch date in jeans and a hoodie one week, and dress pants and a cashmere sweater the next (don't be deceived I got it on clearance with a gift card for a hell of a deal, see there I go again).
I don't have a decorating style. I like modern things, I like crafty kitschy things, I like retro, I like classic dutch, I like jewel tones and ethnic bling. I don't have a naming style for kids, I like names that span from Tenley to Esther to Clementine. I listen to contemporary christian, pop, classic rock, country, show tunes,old school r&b and rap. My tattoos run the gamut in style...but they are all me. 
So, while there is no point, does there really need to be?
With me and my blog, what you see isn't necessarily what you get.